One Road To Choose
by Strawberry-Shortcake01
Summary: Mediator version of The Notebook. Six years after Jesse disappears, Suze is back in Carmel and is engaged. Jesse is back too, and now Suze has to choose between following her heart and keeping her promise.
1. Default Chapter

CHAPTER ONE

Six years. It had been six years since I last saw him. Jesse. Just the sound of that name brings back so many memories...so many broken dreams.

Ever since that kiss in the graveyard, we were inseparable. Jesse stayed in my room–against Father Dominic's wishes–for six months. Six months of sunny, love-filled days and beautiful nights. Jesse brought out a part of me I never knew I had, and those months we spent together were the best of my life.

He promised me he loved me and would never leave me. We never spoke of the future, or marriage, or kids or all those other things people take for granted but we could never have. But none of it mattered to me. I had Jesse and that was all I would ever need. Young love is like that. Its so powerful it will wipe out any common sense that will get in the way of being together. Thinking of the future was too profound and depressing, so I put it out of my mind and decided firmly to live in the present, and cherish it.

But soon the future would be thrust upon me without any given warning.

I'll never forget the day he left. It was the morning after another night of endless lovemaking and warm embraces, and the sun was shining valiantly through the bay window, tickling my cheek with its warmth. I smiled and rolled over to greet Jesse, but instead found an empty space on the bed, the covers tosseled and unmade. He was already up.

This wasn't like Jesse. Though he himself didn't sleep, he would always wait patiently in bed for me to wake, to begin each morning with even more of his sweet kisses. I at least expected to find him perched on the window seat, absorbed in some Czechoslovakian book, waiting for me to awake. But the window seat was left unoccupied.

I told myself not to panic, but couldn't help but suck in a sharp breath. I wrapped a sheet around my unclothed body and stirred from the bed.

"Jesse?" I called out, my voice trembling. No answer.

"Jesse!" I called out again, only to be answered by the chirping of some nearby seagulls.

And that was the end of my world as I knew it.

I waited for him for months and months. There was still a part of me that told me he would come back. Call it denial, call it stupidity. But it was the lie I told myself each night before I cried myself to sleep, in hopes that the next morning, I would be in his arms again and everything would be alright.

But soon, months turned into years and I had given up hope.

By the time I graduated from the Junipero Serra Mission Academy, I was a completely different person. I was no longer the sixteen year old girl I was when I moved to Carmel, with everything in the world to look forward to.

After Jesse left, I let myself go. I became dark and subdued. My already less than satisfactory grades slipped, and I lost touch with Cee Cee and Adam. Everything in my life became so insignificant and dull, and I no longer remembered what it felt like to be happy.

Pain became a general term for me. It could be the sting I felt in my arm when I'd cut myself to forget about Jesse for a few precious moments, or the pang I felt when I saw happy couples together on the beach and remembered what I used to have.

No one could figure out what was wrong with me. My mom put me through several therapists, all of which had given up on me. I couldn't blame them, though. There was no way anyone could cure me of the wounds Jesse left on my heart.

I don't know if he moved on, or if he just got up and left. But wherever it is that Jesse went, he took my heart with him.

END OF CHAPTER ONE

Notes: I know this chapter is not at all like the beginning of The Notebook. If it was, Jesse would have broken up with Suze because he knew they couldn't be togther. But I wrote this chapter before I remembered that. Plus, it has to be this way to make sense in future chapters. It doesn't seem like The Notebook at all now, but once the story gets moving it will.

love,

Linds


	2. Chapter Two

CHAPTER TWO

After I graduated, I was eager to get away from Carmel, to get away from the memories of Jesse. So I enrolled in the University of New York. It was a miracle that I got accepted, given my not-exactly-perfect grade point average (not to mention permanent record). Gina and I shared a dorm room, but even she noticed that I had changed, and though we were living together and attending the same school, we drifted farther apart.

I wondered if Jesse knew what he did to me. It's amazing for someone who had felt so strong, I completely lost myself. I didn't see this coming. Not by a long shot. When I first moved to Carmel all those years ago, and first met Jesse, all he was to me was a pest. Another pain in the ass ghost I had to deal with. Little did I know that soon, he would set my heart flying, then crash it down, shattering it into a thousand pieces.

There are two sides to that saying "It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." On one said, you are grateful for every moment you spend with them, and know that knowing them, loving them, made you a better person. But on the other hand, I am pretty sure that it would feel better having a thousand knives pierce your body all at once than to love someone so much, then have them ripped away from you. I should know.

I don't know how I came to the conclusion that Jesse willingly left me, but somehow, I did. Part of me would rather hate him than mourn for him.

But I think deep down, I knew that whatever happened, he didn't cause it.

That hate grew so intense I could hardly bear it. I hated Jesse for breaking my heart, breaking my spirit. But most of all, I hated him for making me love him.

Suddenly, something inside of me snapped. I decided that I wouldn't let him break me anymore. I began putting all the effort I could into my schoolwork, and it payed off because my grades were steadily improving. I began mending my relationships with other people, and tried to get back into the dating scene. It was remarkable how quickly I had pulled myself out of that black hole I had fallen into. My life seemed to be going great.

But still, there was not a night I didn't cry myself to sleep, rocking back and forth and hugging my knees. Against my own will, I imagined what it felt like to be held by Him, touched by Him. And once I felt those hands on me, I could sleep.

END OF CHAPTER TWO

Notes: I know this chapter was really short and lame, but I needed to put something in between Suze mourning for Jesse and meeting her future fiancé. This chapter is basically Suze getting her life back on track.


	3. Chapter Three

CHAPTER THREE

I was surprised by how fast I fell in love with Jack DiCaprio (A/N: yeah, I know. Combination of Jack Dawson and Leonardo DiCaprio. But I couldn't think of any other names...) He was funny charming, handsome...everything I should have been looking for in a man. He was also very wealthy.

We met a party Gina and I attended to celebrate after finishing midterms at this place Club Utopia. He just walked up to me and said, "Hey, can I buy you a drink?" And before I knew it, we were a couple.

We went to swanky (A/N: I'm not positive if that is a word) club opening parties, Broadway musicals, and dinners at the country club. His whole lifestyle was so foreign to me, but he openly welcomed me into it.

We dated for over a year, but I would never let it go farther than heavy making out. HE always wanted to go further, saying things like, "I need you so bad, Suze. Don't you love me?" But I honestly could not handle being with another man. Not yet.

I wish I could tell you that I never thought of Jesse, but that would be a lie. every time Jack and I kissed, there was Jesse's face, lurking in the back of my mind. I would mentally trace all of him, his chiseled features and olive skin, his strong soft lips that used to be my one source of happiness. His chocolate eyes that I would willingly drown in each time he looked. And at last his big strong arms that would hold me every night.

I would be thinking all of this while I was kissing another man. I felt awful for still thinking of Jesse (and loving Jesse) when I was in the arms of another guy, a guy who loved me, and thought I loved him back. And in a strange way, I did. I loved Jack, but not the way I loved Jesse. Not at all.

CosmoGirl says that you never forget your first love, so maybe this is normal. But I didn't think of Jesse as my first love. I thought of him as my only love. What about Madam Zarra had said? One love that will last until the end of time. But that couldn't be right... Jesse was The One and I knew it. And apparently, that did not last until the end of time. It was all very confusing Well, Jesse didn't love me back, and I couldn't just keep pining away for him.

That's why I said yes when Jack popped the question.

We were at a Yankees game, and normally, any organized sport puts me to sleep. But we usually focus more on each other's mouths than the actual game.

It was halftime or something and all of the sudden, that wedding started playing. 'Ooh!' I thought. 'Someone's going to propose!' I scanned the stadium for said couple.

That's when I noticed everyone was staring at us. We were on that big screen, too.

Jack got down on one knee and took my hand.

'Oh my God' I thought to myself

"Susannah Simon," he said calmly, "Will you be my wife?"

"Yes!" I excitedly squealed. and threw my arms around his neck.

"SHE SAID YES!" The scoreboard flashed. We kissed and everyone applauded. After we pulled apart, he slipped a GINORMOUS rock on my finger and grinned.

"Sweetie...Its beautiful" I breathed.

I stared at the ring on my finer What had just happened finally sunk in. Engaged. I just agreed to spend the rest of my life with a man who wasn't...you know, him.

When I got back to the dorm that night, I ran into the bathroom and threw up all over the place.

Gina walked in on me puking my brains out, and freaked.

"SUZE? What's wrong?"

"Gina," I sobbed. "He...proposed."

Gina put her arm around me and said, "Girl, that's great!...right?"

I sniffed and thought about it for a few seconds and then finally said, "Yeah, I guess it is."

And I meant it.

That night, before I went to sleep, I pulled out the miniature of Jesse from under my pillow, kissed it once, then tossed it out the window before I could change my mind.

Notes: Thanks to everyone who reviewed! Its kinda discouraging when everyone you know is really amazing writers, so the reviews are really motivating. I really apprecaite it!

love,

Linds


	4. chapter four

CHAPTER FOUR

The engagement–we decided– would be four months long. Jack, probably, because he wanted us to be married as soon as possible. I, however, wanted a short engagement, because truthfully, I just wanted to get the wedding over with. Don't get me wrong, I was excited. And happy. Very happy. Jack was a good man and he treated me right. But my pre-wedding jitters had gotten the best of me and I didn't want any time to turn back.

The doorbell rang.

"Its open!" I shouted.

"Hey, baby," I heard my fiancé's voice tell me.

"Hi, Jack, I'm in here," I called out from the small kitchen of Gina's and my apartment.

I felt his strong arms wrap around my waist, giggled, and turned around.

"What brings you here?" I asked coyly.

"What, can't a man stop by and visit his future bride?"

"He most certainly can," I murmered in my most seductive voice.

This caused him to dip his fingers into my hair and pull my head up to his, laying a deep kiss on me.

"Now is that why you came all the way down here, to kiss me?"

"Actually, sweetheart, I came here to ask you...did you tell them yet?"

I didn't have to ask who "they"were.

"Um, well, not yet. But I promise, I was just about to"

"Oh, come on Suze. We're getting married! You have to tell your family eventually!"

"Baby, I know...its just, its been so long..."

"Suze, you have to call them. Now."

"Now?"

"Now," Jack said, handing me the phone.

I swallowed.

I hadn't spoken to my parents since I moved to New York. I'd made an effort to cut myself off from Carmel and all the memories that had created there that still haunted me. Besides, my parents and I hadn't exactly been on the best of terms when I left Carmel. I had pretty much become a screw up, and my mom and I's relationship sort of dissinigrated.

But everyday, I'd tell myself that I'd call them and patch things up. But how can you just go waltzing back into the lives of people you abandoned so many years ago?

I hadn't been there for David all through his teen years. He'd grown up without me I could never give him advice about dating, or girls, or anything. He was a man now and he got there by himself.

Brad might be in college now, or engaged like me. Probably to some slutty bimbo.

Jake might be married and expecting,

My family's life had gone by without me. But Jack was right. I had to tell them. What choice did I have?

I shakily took the phone from his hand, and after pausing a moment to remember the digits, then dialed the number of my old home.

"Hello, Ackerman residence." I heard my cheery stepfather's voice say.

"Um, hi Andy...its me"

There was a moment of silence.

"Suze?" he asked, as if he couldn't quite believe his ears.

"Yup, its me, Suze," I said nervously.

"Oh, honey. Its so great to hear from you!"

Relief washed over me.

"I missed you so much!"

"We've missed you two. How have you been?"

"Great," I said. "How's everyone?"

"They're good. What's the occasion?"

"Occasion?"

"For you calling?"

"Oh, well, um...I called to tell you that I'm getting...I'm engaged."

"Engaged!" Andy asked, shocked.

"Yeah, to this really nice guy names Jack DiCaprio. I think you'd really like him. He's tall and has a car and is really responsible, you'd really like him, I think..." I rambled nervously.

"You know what, Suze? Why don't I put your mother on? Congradulations, by the way"

"Helen!" I heard Andy call.

"What?"

"Phone for you!"

"Who is it?"

Andy paused. "Your daughter"

"Suze is on the phone?" my mom asked in a tone of disbelief.

"Susie?" my mom said into the reciever.

"Mommy!" I wailed.

"Oh, Susie, I've missed you so much. Why didn't you call? Is everything alright?"

"I'm sorry, mom. I'm sorry I've been such a terrible daughter–"

My mom cut me off. "Sweetie, don't say that."

"Really mom, I'm awful. I'm the worst daughter that ever lived."

"Suze, don't say things like that about yourself. I'm just glad you called. Why are you calling, if you don't mind me asking?"

"I have something to tell you."

"Okay, shoot"

"Mom, please don't freak out, but–"

"OH MY GOD! Suze, are you pregnant!"

"No, mom! I'm not pregnant. I'm...engaged."

"Engaged? Honey, that's wonderful! I'm so glad you're finally happy! You are happy, aren't you?"

"I'm very happy."

"Oh, that's so great to hear! What's his name?"

"Jack DiCaprio"

"What's he like?"

"Tall, handsome, funny. I love him so much."

"That's great, Suze. I'm so happy for you. Now when do we get to meet this young man?"

"Well, I'm not sure when–"

"I know! You two can come down here for a week and we can all get to know eachother!"

"Mom, I don't really think that's–"

"No, Suze. I insist. I'll pay for the tickets, I know college students don't make much money."

"You don't have to do that"

"Suze," my mom said in a stern voice. "If you're trying to keep us from meeting this boy, its not going to work"

"I'm not trying to keep you from meeting him," I said.

"Okay then"

"And mom? I love you."

"I love you too, honey. bye."

I hung up the phone and turned to Jack.

"I guess we're going to Carmel"


	5. Chapter five

CHAPTER FIVE

"Suze, I had no idea you had such a fear of flying!" My fiancé, Jack said.

I smiled weakly. "I don't."

"Oh, so you're worried about your parents and I meeting? Don't worry, baby, it'll be fine."

Truthfully, I wasn't at all worried about Jack meeting my parents. I had more important things to worry about. Like, how for the next week I would be sleeping in the room where Jesse and I met, in the very bed where he loved me all those years ago. I'd come so far moving on and making something of my life. I couldn't–wouldn't–throw it all away for some rekindled memories.

I leaned my head on Jack's shoulder, hoping to fall asleep instead of having to suffer for three more hours of flying. He kissed the top of my head and murmered, "It will be alright."

But really, what did he know about any of it?

Three hours later...

"Oh, look. There's the Big Sur."

I stirred from the peaceful slumber which I had been in for the last hours of the flight, and looked out the window. There it was. We were in sunny California, alright. Memories flooded over me like waves. I remembered seeing this exact scene for the first time when I was sixteen. I remembered the airport, and how unnerved I was by everyone's friendliness. I remembered the car ride home, and hearing that our house was built over a century and a half ago...I remembered going into my new bedroom, only to find it already occupied. I blinked, and returned to reality.

"Yeah, that's the Big Sur, alright."

Soon enough, we were exiting our plane, and at the Carmel Airport.

Palm trees. They were everywhere. When I first moved to California, I was so shocked to find Palm trees, considering that it was Northern California that we were moving to. This oddly made me want to laugh and brought tears to my eyes at the same time. Now, normally, I'm not much of a sentimental person, but this...this was different.

And that's when I saw them. My mom and stepdad. I just stood there, staring for a second. My eyes were seeing it, but my brain couldn't quite process what I was seeing. My mother looked basically the same, still as beautiful as ever. But she had quite a few more wrinkles than the last time I saw her. They were more like laugh-lines actually. Her hair–it used to be as dark as mine– was sprinkled with salt-and-pepper grays. But she was still beautiful, and she was still my mom.

Andy had put on a pound or two, and apparently, his hair had been through some serious grayage, but it was still the same Andy I had always known.

"MMMMMOOOOMMM!" I screeched, and ran into my mother's arms.

"Oh, Susie, honey, its so good to see you, angel." She pulled away and examined me. "Oh, you've gotten so beautiful, you're a grown woman now!"

I smiled, and wrapped my arms around her again.

"Hey, what about me?" I heard Andy ask. I turned to him, and gave him a bear hug.

"Nice to have you back, kiddo."

Then I realized that poor Jack had just been standing there in silence for the last five minutes.

"Mom, Andy. This is Jack DiCaprio...my fiancé."

"Nice to meet you, sir." Jack said, politely shaking Andy's hand. But it was my mom who actually pulled him into a hug, and kissed his cheek.

"You've made my daughter very happy." she said with a wink, and he laughed.

"Come on, lets get going. We've got a lot of catching up to do," Andy said.

The ride home was uneventful. My mom, Andy, and Jack, discussed things like what he does for a living, his plans for the future, that kind of stuff.

I, however, did not participate in this conversation.

The ocean. I forgot how mesmerized I was by it. This particular day, the Pacific seemed to be a seafoam green, the Carmel sun reflecting over it, giving it the appearance of diamonds floating around in the water, sparkling and winking at me. I stared at the ocean the whole way home, without uttering a word. I don't know what it was about that body of water that put me in such a trance, but somehow, it just did.

Finally, we arrived at 99 Pine Crest. I don't know what was going through my mind. Seeing the house after so long, memories rushed over me yet again. I could almost taste them. I got this horribly prickly feeling in my nose. I had changed so much, but this house stayed the same. The only way I can describe it is like a time machine, and once I set my eyes on it, it was like I was being transported to another time. My junior year of high school. I saw the window to my old bedroom. The bay window. I quickly looked away.

"Come on, Suze. Come inside."

Everyone else was already in the house. I hurried to catch up to them. For about a half an hour, we gave Jack the grand tour of the house. A half an hour is a little long to show one floor, you think? This IS Andy we're talking about.

Later, we were all sitting down having coffee and my mom said, "Suze, why don't you go put your stuff up into your room?" I froze. "No," I said, my blood suddenly freezing in my veins.

"Well, why not?" mom asked.

"Its ok, I'll get them for her," Jack offered.

"NO! I mean, no its ok. I'll do it."

Although my old bedroom was just about the last place on the planet I ever wanted to revisit, I couldn't let Jack up there.

I grabbed hold of my two heavily packed suitcases and began heaving them up the winding staircase. And let me tell you, those things were HEAVY!

At last, I reached my bedroom door. Without hesitation, I turned the knob and swung the door open.

There was a ghost sitting on my windowsill.

"Hello," Jesse said.

END OF CHAPTER FIVE

Notes: Alas, Jesse is back in the picture, and FINALLY the story can get moving!

love,

linds


	6. chapter six

CHAPTER SIX

Okay, I fainted.

Once, I regained at least some consciousness, I blinked lazily and opened my eyes. And there was Jesse, leaning over top of me, with an extremely concerned look on his beautiful face.

"Susannah? Susannah, wake up!" Jesse cried, shaking my shoulders.

There he was only a few inches away from my face, his hands gripping my shoulders. Those hands that had taken me to so many places so many years ago, speaking to me in that voice that had whispered my name in so many sighs of ecstasy. After six years of hell he put me through, he just says "Susannah wake up." like its all fine and nothing has happened! If he thought I was going to just fall into his arms crying, begging for him to take my back, he had another think coming!

I shot Jesse a look of extreme disgust. I could tell he'd tried to hide his hurt. I stumbled to my feet and tried to stand up, unsuccessfully.

"W-what are you doing here?" I managed to stutter out. He took my hand and helped me up. The strong, yet gentle touch of his hand made me shudder. In a good way.

I stood up as straight and as tall as I could, so my green eyes met his black ones. But after a few seconds of his impenetrable, inky gaze, I looked away, unable to bear it. I focused my eyes safely on the curtains of the bay window behind us.

"Shouldn't I be asking you the same question, _querida_?"

I tried to ignore the fact that he called my querida. That word that I had longed to hear for what felt like lifetimes had finally been uttered, and it sent shivers of warmth straight up my spine.

I smiled in spite of myself.

"I'm here because I'm engaged."

The sentence that had just left my mouth immediately wiped that smile off my face.

_I'm here because I'm engaged. To someone that's not you._

That realization should not have made me nauseosus, but it did.

There he was, the love of my li– I'm not going to finish that thought.

"So I've heard," Jesse growled. To say he didn't sound happy for me would be a major understatement. Well, he had his chance, and he blew it.

"So, what, you've finally decided to grace me with your presence?" I bitterly spewed out.

Jesse furrowed his brow. A look of hurt and confusion surfaced to his features. "What?" he asked me. Puh-leez.

"Well, nevermind that. The point is, I'm getting married in four months whether you like it or not, buddy."

I wasn't sure if I was the person these words were coming out of, but I immediately softened when I saw the look on Jesse's face.

"I've missed you," I said, my voice hardly above a whisper.

Jesse bit his lip, paused, then asked, "Do you love him?"

"What?"

"It's a simple question. You love this fiancé of yours, do you not?"

"Yeah, I do," I said.

"Well, in that case, congratulations. I'm glad someone could finally give you what you need."

There was something in the way he said that that I did not like.

_I'm glad someone could finally give you what you needed._

_'All I ever needed was you,'_ I thought to myself.

"I appreciate that," I said to him. And with that, unable to hold it in any longer, I sort of threw myself into his arms and buried my face into his chest. For about the zillionth time that day, I felt my eyes well up with tears.

"Oh, Jesse," I said in this sickening voice. "I've missed you so much."

"Ssshhh, querida, please don't cry," he whispered, stroking my hair.

I melted in his embrace, and for a brief moment, I was at ease with the world. I was in Jesse's arms, and everything was right.

"I'm engaged," I said in a strangled whisper, voicing the thought that stabbed my heart like a knife.

I abruptly pulled away from him. I blinked, wiped my eyes, and said again, "I'm engaged."

"So you'll get married, and you and I will be friends," Jesse said. I'm not sure if he meant it to be a question.

"Yeah, we'll be friends."

_Friends._

It was then that my bedroom door opened. It was Jack.

"Hey, sweetheart, I came to check up on you. You were up here for a long time!"

Jesse glanced at him, then at me. I couldn't seem to look him in the eye.

"Yeah, baby, I'm fine," I said to the curtains.

"You sure? You look a little pale to me."

I turned to him. "Yep. Fit as a fiddle."

Jack smiled and took another step toward me.

"Just think, Suze. In less than half a year, we'll be husband and wife."

"That's right," I said, smiling back at him nervously.

He took yet another step closer to me, and draped his arms around my waist. He went in for a kiss on my lips, but I rejected it and turned my face so his lips hit my cheek.

Not giving up that easily, Jack moved his mouth down to my neck, planting a trail of kisses down to my collarbone. But I swatted him away. "Not now, baby."

I could just imagine being in my old room, making out with my new finace, with my...with Jesse standing right there with his arms crossed, watching us. Not such a great idea.

I looked out the corner of my eye, to see what Jesse thought of all this, only to find an empty space where Jesse stood a few moments ago.

I sighed and flopped down on my canopy bed. And Jack laid right down next to me. Man! Did this guy EVER give up? What a lovely wife I'd make.

I felt a pang of guilt for pushing him away like that, and curled up to him, resting my head on his chest. I must have had a little jet lag, or something, because right then I was hit by a wave of exhaustion. I yawned and cuddled up even closer to Jack. "Mmm, Jesse..." I heard a voice that sounded like my own murmur.

"What?" Jack asked, stirring from our embrace. His voice was as sharp as a razor.

"Who's _Jesse_?" He inquired.

"Uh, what do you mean?"

"I distinctively heard you say the word 'Jesse'. Do I have anything to worry about?"

Stricken with terror, I said through frozen lips, "No, Jack, you have nothing to worry about. You're my one and only."

It was then that I realized how bad things were going to get. That's generally what happens when you're in love with one person, and engaged to another.

END OF CHAPTER SIX

Notes: I know I stole a lot of names and phrases and stuff from books and movies...PLEASE DON'T SUE! R&R!

Love,

Linds


	7. chapter seven

CHAPTER SEVEN

"Mmm...that feels nice," I half-murmered, half-giggled in response to the tongue I felt caressing my cheek. But then I remembered who I was, and where I was. Well, I mean, I remembered who I was now and why I was here. So that explains why I opened my eyes not to find my true love, but an oh-so-familiar furry, orange face.

"SPIIIIIKE!"

I swear to God, I'd never been more happy to see that mean, ugly thing in my entire life. He rubbed his tiny, soft chin up against mine, and purred loudly. What the hell was up with that? But I didn't care, I was so happy to see him. I scratched behind his ears–or should I say ear–which only seemed to make him purr louder.

"Oh, Spikey, I've missed you too!"

But then it struck me–why was he still alive? He had to be at least in his twenties in people years. I mean, when we found him, Spike was already a fairly old cat.

That's when I noticed the pale blue spectral aura Spike was projecting. Spike was a ghost. A ghost CAT. This was a new one.

But I completely forgot about Spike's new state of existence when the remembrance of what happened last night trickled into my brain.

...Jesse

But I was relieved to see the window seat left empty. It looked sort of lonely that way. Honestly, I think I was disappointed that Jesse was gone. But I knew good and well that seeing Jesse again would only make me fall in love with him all over again. As if that wasn't already too late to prevent. Just a glimpse of his face spun me into heavenly dreams last night of him touching me. I craved his touch in such an animal-like way it sickened even me.

Spike went in for more licks and kitty kisses on my face, but I pushed him away. That's all I'd seemed to be doing anyway. Pushing people away. People–who soon I won't be able to push away any longer. People who deserve better than me.

I groaned. This was so not how I invisioned my engagement.

I dragged my body out of bed and managed to waddle my way in to the bathroom to shower. And let me tell you, that jet lag was not pleasant,

I let out a little gasp when the steaming hot water pierced my body. It felt like little needles. I eventually adjusted to the temperature, and enjoyed the streaming water caressed my form. Its almost painful heat gave me the illusion of a security blanket.

After what I thought seemed to be an unreasonably long time for a shower, I got out and primped. I decided not to bother flat-ironing my hair straight today. I don't think I had the energy. After applying some makeup and slipping into a baby doll dress by none other than Betsey Johnson, I headed downstairs.

Mom and Andy were sitting at the breakfast table, already dressed and ready for the day. I kissed them both on the cheek and said good-morning.

"Suze, sit down, stay a while. You're just in time for scrambled eggs," Andy said cheerily. Yummmm...It had been quite a while since the last time I had a big breakfast like the kind Andy was always preparing.

But where was _Jack_? It didn't take me too long for me to find out.

Down the winding stairs came my fiancé, dressed in–seriously–a buisness suit, holding his briefcase in one hand.

"Um, honey," I said, confused. "What are you doing? I mean what are you _wearing_?"

"Suze, I've got bad news." he ran his hand through his sandy blonde hair. "The boss needs me back in New York, and quick. There's a meeting I just can't get out of. He says its urgent."

Jesus Christ.

"Are you SURE you can't get out of it?" I urged.

"Positive." He turned to my mom and Andy. "Look, I'm really sorry–"

"Its alright," said my mother through pursed lips. I don't think this was exactly earning him any brownie points

"We understand," Andy told him. I'll admit, I was pissed. This was pretty nervy of him–Jack, I mean. For God's sake, we're getting married! And he's here to MEET MY PARENTS! But I guess business comes first, huh?

Jack turned to me. "I gotta go, babe. My flight leaves in an hour." I smiled sadly.

"Alright. Have a safe flight. And good luck with your, uh. meeting thingy."

He kissed me on the cheek. "I love you, Suze."

"Love you, too."

And just like that, he was out of the door. Well, this was just great.

"Um guys, if you don't mind, there are a few things I need to take care of."

My mom sighed. "Fine, go ahead. Just be sure to be home by dinner. We have a few things to talk about."

"I know, mom. Thanks!" I grabbed my purse and dashed out the house.

The sunlight was blinding. I shielded my eyes with my fingers and plucked out a cell phone from my Guess handbag. And dialed Adam's number. Yeah, I know, pretty doubtful that he still lived at home, but how else was I supposed to get a hold of him?

"Hello?'

"Hi, Mrs. McTavish? It's me, Suze. Is Adam there?"

"Suze, wow! Its been quite a while, now hasn't it? How have you been, hun?"

"I've been good, thanks. Do you know how I can reach Adam?"

"His new number is 739-6280."

"Thanks."

I clicked of our call and dialed the new number I'd been given.

"Talk to me," the person on the other end said.

"ADAM!"

"Whoa...Suze, is that you?"

"Of course it me! I've missed you sooo much!"

"We missed you too, Simon. Finally decided to give us a call?"

"Um, cuz I'm back in Carmel."

"What?"

"It's a long story."

"I've got time."

I'm...I'm engaged, ok?"

"Jesus, Simon! You're getting married? That's...That's great."

"I guess."

I guess. I am such an idiot.

"You guess? Gee, that's reeeaaal convincing," Adam laughed. God, I missed him.

"Hey, what happened to that Jesse guy?"

I said nothing. I guess Adam realized he made a mistake by bringing up Jesse, and said,

"Oh. man, I'm really sorry, Suze."

"It's okay," I said, my voice a little unsteady.

"Hey, you wanna talk to Cee?" Adam asked.

"Yeah!"

"Suze!"Cee Cee screamed into the phone.

"Cee! I've missed ya, girl!"

"Oh my God, I can't believe it's really you! You're really engaged?"

Adam must have told her.

"Yep"

"That's wonderful! You guys set a date?"

"Around four monthes."

"I'm the maid of honor, right? Because I better be!"

"You betcha."

"Meet us at the coffee clutch?" Cee Cee asked.

"Sure. And Cee? Why are you at Adam's house?"

"Oh, he didn't tell you? We're living together."

"Um, I think he left that part out."

"Okay, so get your butt over to the Coffee Clutch!"

"See you there."

Living together..Holy crap.

A half an hour later I was sitting at the Coffee Clutch, carefully sipping a scalding hot Carmel Machiato, surrounded by my two best friends. We talked about everything from my engagement, to their new living situation, to The Starlet (A/N: The best show on the PLANET! I am so glad that bitchy girl Lauren is gone).There was so much that had to be said.

"Hey, girls," Adam said to Cee Cee and me. "There's a big festival at the mission this afternoon. I know it'll all be little kids, but it could be fun."

"Sure, I'm game, " Cee Cee answered.

My stomach was in my throat the entire ride to the Junipero Serra Mission Academy, in Adam's spankin' new, shiny VW Beetle. You'd think he has a fetish for the things.

Anyway, I was nervous. I got this way every time I rediscovered one of these places from my youth. First my old house, now my old school...

It looked exactly the same as I remembered it. The same grand red dome, the basillica, sunny breezeways...It was all the same.

We walked down the cobblestone path, down to the courtyard, where dozens of tents and stands were set up. It looked a lot like the festival for Father Serra that was had right before...you know. The Kiss.

"Now, Gregory, what did I tell you about planting 'stink bombs' in the hibiscus? You may think it to be humorous, but to others, such behavior is considered offensive. Now get back to the festival and have a good time, young man."

"FATHER DOM!" I screamed, momentarily silencing the bustle of the festivities.

"Good Heavens," the priest said, and turned around.

I threw myself into the good father's arms, practically strangling him, my arms were wrapped so tightly around his neck. What can I say? I missed that old guy!

"Oh, Father D!" I said in this really shrill voice. He awkwardly patted my shoulder.

"I have certainly missed you too, Susannah! What brings you to Carmel? You look well. More so than the last time I saw you, for that matter." I scowled at the thought of me at graduation.

"Thanks, and uh, I'm getting married."

"Good Heavens," Father D said again, adjusting the collar to his robey thing. "Congradulations, Susannah, I am very happy for you. And when should this joyful union take place?" I was getting sick of people asking this question.

"Four months"

"Well, that's quite soon, now isn't it? I hope you are happy, Susannah, and that God has finally seen you through your troubles."

"Um, Thanks. I think."

I might have been imagining it, but there was something sad in Father Dominic's eyes. Something that made me rethink just how happy for me he was.

"Suze," Cee Cee said, grabbing my arm. "Oh, hey, Father Dom, how's it going?"

"It is going quite well, Miss Webb. And yourself?"

"Great."

"That's good to hear."

Cee Cee pulled me away, and up to this tent that said "Psychic Readings."

"No way, Cee Cee, no freaking way."

"Oh come on, Suze, it'll be fun."

END OF CHAPTER SEVEN

Notes: This was by far the crappiest chapter ever. way too long, too boring. But I kinda wanted to get this one over and move on to chapter eight...I won't blame you if you flame me.

Love,

Linds


	8. chapter eight

CHAPTER EIGHT

I stared at my reflection in the dressing table mirror. I looked like an angel. Then why did every inch of the glimmering satin seem to make my skin boil and crawl? It was more of a ghastly prettiness, how I looked in my wedding gown. Like a beautiful dead woman. Because that's how I felt. Beautiful and dead.

I tried to swallow down the lump in my throat that had grown to the size of a small grapefruit since yesterday afternoon's visit to the psychic. I think you can guess why.

"You look beautiful, querida," I heard an all-too-familiar voice say from behind me.

I reluctantly turned around, offering him a weak smile and unfortunately, divulging my tear-stained cheeks. It's not like I was wearing waterproof mascara. You usually don't plan on crying your heart out when trying on your wedding dress. But that's what happened.

"Susannah...you're crying," Jesse said in a voice so soft I could barely hear it.

"I'm fine," I lied, wiping my eyes with my palms, smearing black all over my hands from all the wet eye makeup.

"No. No, you're not fine. Tell me," Jesse said, taking a step towards me. He looked at me intensely. So intensely that I had to shift my gaze down to his swashbuckling boots

After a moment of sense-shattering silence, I finally said, my voice breaking, "It was real, wasn't it?"

He furrowed his brow questioningly. "You and me," I clarified, biting my lower lip to keep the tears from coming. "We really loved each other back then, didn't we?"

I looked up at him, and it was too late. The tears were coming, and boy were they ever.

"Yes...I believe we did." Jesse reached out and touched my wet cheek. His touch made my whole body weaker than my heart already felt.

And all at once, I was stricken with anger. I forcefully pushed his arm away. He looked down at the carpet, keeping his eyes from meeting mine.

"Why did you leave me?" I snapped at him. This got his attention. I was sobbing now. "Why did you leave me! It wasn't over for me, Jesse! It wasn't over for me!"

I saw something flash in his ebony eyes. "It wasn't over for me, Susannah, it still isn't over!"

And with a surprising amount of force, he grasped my slim, fragile arms and pulled me to him. And then he kissed me. The moment his lips touched mine, I wondered how I could have lived without it. Hiss kisses, I mean. every part of my body came shuddering back to life, and my skin was tingling as a reaction.

We stumbled around my old bedroom, kissing, touching, and feeling every inch each other. Jesse pushed my body up against the wall, and I grabbed the woodwork along the closet door to support myself.

His kisses traveled from my mouth to the crane of my neck, his eyes remaining intently locked on mine the entire time.

I moaned as he continued to bite and nibble on my neck and earlobe, and dug my fingers into the wood. His hold on my body was so tight, I could feel myself burning and throbbing for him.

I brought my trembling hands down and slipped them into his hair, bringing his head back up to mine. I kissed his eyes, nose, cheeks, then finally his restless lips. Jesse snaked his unimaginably strong arms around my small waist and began running his hands up and down my back, hesitating at the zipper.

He pulled away, breathless. Well, as breathless as a ghost could be, anyway.

"Susannah," he breathed, asking to go on.

"Jesse," I answered him.

And with that, he pulled me back into his arms and undid the zipper, not wasting any time. The lengths of shimmering fabric fell to my ankles. I stood there, naked (except for my bra and underwear of course) in front of him, my every flaw exposed. And yet it felt so...right. This wasn't the first time he'd seen me in my altogether, though. But it almost felt like the first time. Like we were rediscovering it. Jesse's eyes lingered at my form for a moment. He swallowed. Hard.

I kissed him again and began untying the laces to his shirt. You might be surprised to learn that I was 100 aware of the gravity of what I was doing. A man just took off the dress I would wear to my wedding to another man. I had basically just shattered what was left of the relationship Jack and I had, given that my feelings for him were already fading fast.

But I didn't care about any of that. I wantedno, I needed Jesse to touch me, to be inside of me, for me to be inside of him...I don't know what I wanted. All I knew was that I wanted him.

I slipped the shirt over Jesse's head. I gasped when I first saw his perfect naked chest and abdomen, shivering after being unveiled after so long. I put my hands on him.

"You're shaking," I said softly.

"I'll be alright," Jesse said, smiling bravely and nervously at the same time.

"Susannah...are you sure?"

I took Jesse's hand and put it on my waist.

"Jesse, I'm yours."

He laid me down on the bed and...

END OF CHAPTER EIGHT

Notes:

I hope I didn't rush into this chapter, but I sorta had to get it out of my system...grin R&R! Please?

love,

linds


	9. chapter nine

CHAPTER NINE

I woke up with a man in my bed. Well, that's what I thought at first when I opened my eyes to find that I was in someone's arms. But then the memories of last night flooded back to me...I smiled.

"Good morning, querida," Jesse said, his lips pressed to my neck. He rolled over so he was on top of me, but was careful not to put any weight down on my body and crush me. And let me tell you, it felt nice. Both of us were completely unclothed, so I could feel every curve, crevasse and muscle of him coursing through my bare skin.

I was a little sore. It had been quite a while since I'd felt something so, er, intense, and my limbs were aching from being wrapped around him all night.

But hey, I wasn't complaining.

"Good morning, Jesse," I said back to him, kissing his nose softly. I flickered another set of soft kisses in various places on his face, from his temples to his ear lobes to his jaw...I just wanted to kiss all of him...

Jesse responded by wrapping his arms around me even tighter, and much to my delight pressing his body harder against mine...ah, the morning after.

Despite my being drunk on his love, we still had a few things to discuss like, uh, how I was getting married to someone. Someone who was not him. I groaned at the thought. I did not have the energy to deal with that. Not now.

I propped myself up on the pillows behind us, and Jesse relocated as well, in order to still be beside me.

"What is it, Susannah?" Jesse asked. He must have noticed that I was troubled. Jesse only calls me by my actual name when he knows something is wrong.

I saw his eyes darken with what I can only describe as horror. "Oh, no...Susannah, you're not...you're not having regrets about what happened, are you?"

Was he _kidding_ me?

"There's no way I regretted _that_," I told him with a grin.

He looked visibly relieved.

"Well, then what is it?"

I stiffened a little. "I just can't help but wonder...why did you leave in the first place then? Do you know what hell you put me through, Jesse? For six years! Six years Jesse!" That familiar feeling was coming back.

Jesse looked awe-struck.

"Susannah...I thought you wanted me to leave."

"WANTED you to leave!" I laughed bitterly. "Of course I didn't WANT you to leave!"

"You deserve better, Susannah. I could not have put you through it–through _this_, what we are doing right now. You cannot love a ghost. No matter how much I love you, and believe me querida, I do, I could never give you all the things you deserve like a wedding or a home, or bring you babies."

This hitme like a load of cinderblocks would if they fell on my heart. That was it? Jesse DID love me. He loved me all along. he didn't leave because he stopped loving me, but because he loved me. It _killed_ me that he thought he wasn't enough for me.

"You're all I ever needed," I said, my voice scarcely above a whisper.

"But Slater said–"

I didn't have to ask what Slater said. Because I already knew. How could I have not known? How could I have been so clueless? Was there EVER a time Paul Slater _wasn't_ behind something?

Okay, NOW I was mad. More than mad. I was furious. Paul Slater did it once again. he took away the one thing that made me happy. The one thing that I ever loved. Except this time, he succeeded.

I got up out of the bed and began the room, as I always did when I was frustrated. I must have looked like a woman, walking back and forth my bedroom with no clothes on. But can you really blame me? I just found out that Paul Slater of all people had caused me all this pain for so long. And all this time I had blamed Jesse.

I stopped pacing. "What did Paul tell you?" I demanded.

Jesse, who'd been watching my rantings with an amused look on his face (after all, I was naked) said, the smile creeping off his face, "He told me that you wanted me to leave."

That was all I needed to hear. I was going to KILL him. Paul, I mean. I swear to God, if he were there with us, I would have killed him right then and there.

"Susannah, what do you plan on doing?"

Jesse can read me like that. He always can tell when I'm stirring up a plot. Usually a plot that lands my ass in the hospital, no less.

"I have a visit to pay to an old friend."

And that's exactly what I did.

It's incredible how easily I located him.

"Paul Slater? Yeah, I know where to find him. He's this mega-rich lawyer. We are talking MAJOR coinage. Everyone in the West Coast know the Almighty Paul Slater. In fact, we just published this article about his law firm last week. He won this suit and got loads of dough off this poor lady. Apparently, she was his client's finance manager or whatever, and he claimed she jipped him out of a lot of his money, which everyone knows is, you know, bull. Disgusting, if you ask me. This Slater guy has no conscience. Anyway. You can find his office at 138 Sheridan, it's only a few miles from here."

Did I mention that Cee Cee is the editor of the Carmel Pine Cone?

She was right. That's where I found him. At his office, I mean. It was this enormous building made completely of steel and glass. It had an amazing resemblance to Paul's house.

"I'm here for Paul Slater," I told a tired looking woman who appeared to be in her mid-forties.

"Third floor miss," she said, hardly looking up from her _Soap Digest._

I saw him the second the elevator door opened. It's pretty hard to miss a guy like Paul Slater. I sucked in a sharp breath. Paul looked even HOTTER than he did when he did when we were teens. Except now he was all decked out in this fancy suit that fit him in all the right places. Armani, I was willing to bet.

And then he saw me.

"Well, well, well. If it isn't Miss Susannah Simon? Finally decided to give into your carnal lust for me, huh?"

I snapped out of my look-how-hot-Paul-is daze and shot him a look of immense disgust.

I took a step toward him. "What thefuck were you thinking, Paul? This was low, even for you! How could you do that to me? To Jesse? What the hell is wrong with you?"

He looked taken aback. "Whoa, Suze. Chill out. Take a seat so we can discuss this like mature adults."

DISCUSS THIS LIKE MATURE ADULTS? HE RUINED THE LAST SIX YEARS OF MY LIFE AND HE WANTED TO DISCUSS THIS LIKE MATURE ADULTS? I wanted him dead.

But I obliged, the glare not leaving my face.

"Now, where were we?"

. "Don't you dare treat me like one of your stupid clients." I hissed. "You know good and well why I'm here! I want to know exactly what you said to Jesse."

"Only what he already knew," Paul said with a shrug.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Suze, Suze, Suze. Your boy Jesse knew that soon, The Light would come a-callin' and he'd have no choice but to go into it. I merely helped him realize that."

"He said that you told him that I wanted him to leave!" I cried.

"Ah, that. Suze, you gotta know, I only did it for you. Didn't you ever consider that there might be something better out there for you than screwing some guy who died a century and a half ago? He was only holding you back. You deserved–you deserve–a better life. I only did it because I wanted what was best for you."

"That's bull, Paul! This was just another one of your attempts to lure me to the dark side, making me believe that Jesse betrayed me. That's just sick. Will you ever get it through that thick skull of yours that I never loved you and never will?"

I saw something on Paul's face that I'm pretty sure I'd never seen before and probably would never live to see again. Hurt.

"You know what, Suze? Fine. Believe what you want to believe. I'm done."

END OF CHAPTER NINE

Notes: Hope this wasn't too excruciatingly boring. To clear things up, Paul is the equivilant of Ally (from the Notebook)'s mom, who never gave her Noah's letters because she believed it was in her "best interest" So, um...yeah. PLEASE REVIEW!

Love,

Linds


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